It has been a month!

Wow...I can't believe it has been more than a month since I last posted. Well of  course a lot has happened and we've just been going non stop.
Let's see, last month was the River Fest. Now some people hate it, some kinda enjoy it, but I love it. I have always loved it. My family has been going to the River Fest my whole life plus some. I don't mind the change in dates, I don't mind the craziness of the River Run, I love eating at the food court even though it is bad for you and expensive, and I love being with friends and family in downtown Wichita.

Mike, Levi, and Me eating a curly fry loaf

Lanie, Mom, Levi, and Jac watchin fireworks

Lanie, Me, and Levi finishing the River Run

On a not so fun note we had to make 2 different trips to Beggs, OK for funerals in the last month. The first was a classmate of Mike's. Unfortunately I've been to quite a few funerals in my life, but I seriously think the sermon at this funeral was the best I've ever heard. I loved the way Pastor Williams made the message of salvation relateable to the man who died and all of those who knew and loved him. The second funeral was Mike's Aunt Lousie. Both of theses deaths were very unexpected and I could see that in the grief of the ones close to them. Mike's family joined together and celebrated Lousie. From everything I heard about her I learned she loved family and wanted them all together "like old times." She was smiling down from heaven as her family came together in great food, dancing, and great conversation.

Home Sweet Home

Mike, his mom, sisters, niece, and nephews



While home we were able to hang out with some of Mike's amazing friends. I'd never met some of them, but by the end of the night I was one of them, not a married in outsider, but one of the gang.

some of Beggs class of '03

We did some birthday celebrations as well in the last month. Lanie and I went to Lena's 2nd birthday party. Our family had a couple birthdays. My sweet niece Lanie celebrated her 3 1/2 birthday. 1/2 birthday you ask? Well, Lanie was born on Christmas Eve so in order for her to have friends over for a party on her birthday my sister Jacque decided to celebrate her 1/2 birthday with a big party each year.

Lena's Party

Lanie's cake (made by Gma Kay) and the smart and beautiful Lanie Noel

I love my family. I have cousins all over the US, a lot in town, and some extra special ones in Grand Junction, Colorado. Pricilla, Gracie, Ruby, Alice, and Milo came for a visit this last week. We had a great time with family get togethers at my Uncle's house, down by the River, and at a cousin's birthday party. When I was in high school my Grandma Donna took me to Grand Junction 3 summer's in a row. What a blessing! It was a great opportunity for me to travel, get to know my Grandma, and to get to know my cousins. The first summer I was there Alice stole my heart. She reminded me of my big sister and she treated me so kindly, making sure I was welcome and having fun. No matter how long we are apart we can reconnect in seconds and feel like we haven't missed a beat. Seeing Gracie and Ruby was such a blessing as well. I love that every time I hear or say Ruby I have two beautiful ladies to think of, Aunt Ruby and her Great Granddaughter Ruby Harlow. I know Ruby will grow up and live up to the legacy her GG left behind. I also got to see Molly, a cousin from North Carolina that I've not see in a long time! It was great to see her and her family.

Alice, Milo, Ruby, and Grace

The whole crew

Molly, Jess, and Zona and their families

Lastly, the Cabin.

I love our cabin in Oklahoma. Another summer tradition is going to the cabin and spending lots of time with family. I have always loved the cabin, I really can't get enough. We don't get to go out on the boat all day like old times, but we have fun! We play cards, cook good food, spend time at Hulah Lake, and enjoy our lack of technology (cell phones, TVs, movies, computers, etc.).

 Levi and Lanie playin in the Lake and Mike and the kids pretending to be asleep

This summer has been amazing so far! I've enjoyed all of it so far and there is a month full of fun and joy ahead of me to finish it. 

I'm going to finish up with a lil update of my last couple posts.

The process of having a baby...we are still working on it. We've worked out a way to make things a lil less expensive which is amazing. We still have a lot of unanswered questions, even the doctor is puzzled. I am having a procedure done this week to check more intensively what is going on inside of me. Pray it all works out and a baby is in our near future.

Losing weight...I've lost a few more pounds, not as many as I would have liked, but a few is better than none! Yesterday I tried on a pair of dress pants I wore to a wedding last summer that were pretty tight and they were too big! I couldn't wear them and I was so excited! I have a goal for the rest of the summer, I want to lose 10 pounds before school starts. This is a pretty tough goal for me, but we'll see what happens.

20/20

More posting to my blog this summer? Yes, please. I love to have more time to think through blogging.

What is 20/20? You may ask.

Drum roll please...that is how much weight Mike and I have lost! We have both lost 20 lbs., it has been since January when we realized we needed to get our act together and get healthy. The hard part was we are decently healthy to start with and figured we wouldn't have much success. BUT I would say 20/20 is a success. Do we still have a lot of work to do? YES. My final goal includes losing 40 more pounds. The best part about losing weight is actually doing it. Haha. I've lost weight before, but I put it back on pretty easy. In the last 5ish years I've been really GREAT at yo-yo dieting. A few pounds off and double back on and so on and so on and so on. I didn't really see 20 lbs. in 5 months as a great thing until I realized although it happened slowly I never put weight back on that I had lost. This time I've kept off every pound and that is very new.

So, you might ask how did we do it? Well...we've watched our eating and we are more active. At the beginning of the year we put all of our food into fitday.com. This showed us how many calories we were taking in and how much activity we were/not getting. This didn't last too long because it is a lot of work, but I very easily learned what I could or could not eat and what combinations worked together. This was a great starting point. Then I started to work out every morning before work. This was good, but a struggle. Not like you think, you would think I had a hard time getting up, nope that was the easy part. The hard part was I was not losing weight (I wasn't gainin either) because I was putting on muscle. Well, since school has been out I've not been working out as much, but I have been eating when I'm hungry. What a concept! During school it was hard because there were specified times during the day that I could or could not eat. Now I have an open book. I learned that you don't have to eat at 8am, noon, and 6pm. It is ok to eat at different times of the day. I've also learned that you don't have to eat a full meal. If you want a sandwich at 11am and then some yogurt at 12:30pm and then something else at 3pm that is ok. There are no rules to eating and meal times, which is something I kept forgetting. I can make my own rules! I love that idea. And lastly, if any of you know my husband you know he is a coach...this doesn't stop after he gets off the field. He is the best encourager and he loves to work out. Everyday he asks me to work out, he knows I don't like being told what to do, so he doesn't pressure me, but he does encourage me.

Next time I blog about losing weight it will not be 20/20...it will be greater! Go Johnson's Go! Hah.

Sharing my heart (caution: personal info and a little bit of sadness ahead)

Ok so to warn you this post is very personal. I have had some qualms about writing it...thinking maybe people wouldn't want to hear about my sadness, but then I got to thinking this is MY blog and if people don't want to read that is their choice. I was also thinking this morning that the title of this blog is Living to be me, is that true if I don't write about what is important to me? So here goes.

There is something in every woman's life that can be hell or can be a blessing. It is called their period. When you're young it is part of becoming a woman. Some people see it as a blessing when they get it, that means they're not pregnant and life can go on as normal. For me when it comes it brings high emotions (and mine are a roller coaster anyway), lots of tears, stress, and pain. Fun right? Hah (enter sarcastic face). In my teen life I was thankful when it came because it didn't come very often, I knew that wasn't normal, so when it came I was thankful. Which brings me to my point that now for the last two years I cry and feel heartbroken every month when I get my period. When you're trying to get pregnant getting your period is the last thing you want. Each month it comes and I start over in feeling discouraged and sad.

A year ago I missed a period and after peeing on a stick I found out I was pregnant. I can't explain the joy in that positive. I felt like a year of waiting was a long time and it was finally my time. A few weeks later I lost my sweet baby in a miscarriage. Now that was an entirely different feeling that once again I can't explain. Being told that it happens to a lot of women did NOT help me get through the pain. When I am grieving it doesn't help me to hear that it happens to other people. Maybe it is selfish, but I don't want to hear other's sorrow, I want to deal with my own in my own way.

A year later here I am praying each month I don't get my period. Each month I take pills on very specific days of my "cycle" (hate that term, but really there is not a better one), I get a sonogram that costs me $150 because insurance doesn't pay to help me have a baby (another subject for another day on how I feel about that),  I inject myself with a medicine that costs $100 for one shot, I pee on a stick for a week to test ovulation, we have scheduled sex (which is the only easy part of the process), and then I wait 2 weeks to find out if we were successful. THEN if I do start my period I still have to take a pregnancy test to be sure it's not a miscarriage. It is expensive, but that isn't the hard part. The obvious hard part is not getting pregnant.

Another struggle is the hormones. If you knew me before all of the medicine, you know I'm emotional anyway and if you know me after the medicine you can see the toll it is taking on me. Before the medicine I would be a mess sometimes, but now even more I cry unexpectedly, I can't control my mood swings, and I go from high to low in .25 seconds. These high doses of medicine screw with my hormones, which in turn correlates with the stress this causes our marriage. We have done really well considering. We've had some really rough patches, but in the end I am thankful that I married the man that I did. Mike is my rock here on earth and the fact that we both believe in God and have a relationship with Jesus is the glue to our relationship with each other.

Another struggle I have in this whole ordeal is comparing myself with other women. It kills me when I hear about women that get to prevent pregnancy until they are ready and then poof they are pregnant soon after starting to try. I feel so jealous, a feeling I hate and am working on, but it seems like I start at square one every time I come across these conversations. Another aspect is when you want to be pregnant and have a baby it seems like everyone else is getting what you want. It is just like when you are single and it seems like everyone you know is getting married.

I am so happy for all of my friends that are being blessed with little ones. I really am. Am I jealous? Yes of course, but I wouldn't want my sorrow to stop anyone else's happiness. In fact I've been watching Ari (my friend's baby) for a week now and it has been amazing. I look forward to my summer with her. I love being able to be the best Aunt possible while I'm waiting to be a mom. I've been so blessed to be able to take care of Lanie and Levi on many occasions in the last 3 and a half years. They help keep joy in my heart when I feel like the pain is overcoming me.

So, I guess it is important for me to let that out because not talking about it is worse for me than talking about it. I don't want anyone to think I am a bitter and depressed by all of this I just want to share my heart openly. I am trying to see God's plan in this and trying so hard to rejoice in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4).

Writer's Block

I've written quite a few blogs since my last one and none seem worthy to post. I really want to post, say what is on my mind, update the world on my life, but I'm just not feeling it!

Things I've wanted to talk about:
-My sign class
-Watching Lanie and Levi
-New job vs. my past summer jobs
-Mike engulfed in football already
-Weddings we've been to
-Missing friends
-My best friend is engaged!
-Being on summer "break"
-Summer camps
-Fun weekends
-Planning, planning, planning
-Trying to have a baby, the hardships and the joys
-Seeing the Lord work in my life
-Summer Goals
-How I'm doing on past goals

And more...I have so much to say, I just can't get it out on a blog.

Hopefully this writer's block will end soon and I'll be back to myself with no trouble writing.

Sign Language Class

This summer I am starting an adventure in teaching. I'm really excited and hope that I have a lot of interest in my class!

We had a blast at the ZOO!

I couldn't pass up buying Levi and Lanie these cool stuffed snakes!

The day will not be a failure...

This morning I skipped my workout (for the first time in 5 weeks) BUT I'm ok with it. I am going to workout later and the day will not be a failure. As I was getting dressed this morning my shirt...that I've not worn in months...fit me better than the last time I wore it! Yay! I've not been getting the best results on the scale, but if my clothes are fitting better (or a lil to big) then I don't care what the scale says.

I have some capri's from a couple of summer's ago that are too small and my goal is to be able to wear them by June. That gives me almost 2 months to drop about one size. I think this is very attainable, but encouragment doesn't hurt, so if you want to cheer me on go ahead!