Glimpses of heaven until we get there

From the pages of Beth Moore's study on the book of Esther...

"Beloved, when a moment like this comes, we need to take it. We often speak of happiness as a less noble term than joyfulness because the former is circumstantial and the latter less conditional. I won't argue with that, but when God intervenes in our circumstances and we get a chance not only to know we're blessed but feel blessed, nothing is more appropriate than seizing the happy moment. "A time of happiness" can come like a shot of B-12 to the soul to boost your system when darkness spreads once again like a virus.

One of the hardest challenges about taking advantage of a God-given time of happiness is the guilt of knowing that it coincides with someone else's sadness. No, we don't flaunt our light in someone else's darkness, but surely we can find a way to dip ourselves in the bubble bath of a second's bliss when it comes. Even if all we do is lean our heads back in the sunshine of our soul's Sabbath and take a minute to feel the glad emotion, it is meant by God to be medicine for our weary souls. Times of happiness are glimpses of heaven until we get there. Homesickness doesn't always feel sick. Sometimes it's a quick flash of happy that makes us long to find and keep it."

Today this made my heart cry and smile. No matter which side you're on, the hurt or the happy, it is not easy. When you are hurting it is so painful to see other's happy. When you are happy you do feel guilt because you know how that hurt feels. I've been on the hurt side a lot.

But right now, I am so happy, so blessed. I feel like each minute of the day I get a reminder of how great our God is and of the gift He has given me. God does intervene in our circumstances. He has blessed Mike and I, both labeled infertile by doctors, with the greatest blessing we could ever ask for, our baby girl. I couldn't have ever imagined how much I could love another human being...and she isn't even here yet!

God is good! I am so thankful for this glimpse of heaven until I get there.

Behind the secret.

I typed this awhile back and never published...I have this weird block that people don't want to read my crap, but then I remember I don't write this for others. I write to capture this time in my life for me. So here it is...

Well, since November I've been keeping a secret. The most exciting secret of my life! We just announced we are pregnant. So, now I am sharing the process.

On November 12th we had a counseling session, 6 months before this we had been required by Youthville to do 6 months of counseling before we could start our Home Study to be able to adopt or do foster care.

On November 14th I woke up and decided that before I contacted Youthville about our next steps that I would take a pregnancy test. When you are trying to have a baby, especially when you've been diagnosed "infertile," pregnancy tests become a hard process and a letdown. In May of 2010 we took a pregnancy test and it was positive! A few weeks later we lost our baby and were going through grief we had never experienced. Since May of 2010 I can tell you I took way too many pregnancy tests that were negative. Ok, back to November 14, 2012. I woke up expecting to see a negative test. Although I always expected negative...I always hoped for positive. After a few minutes I looked at the little plastic test and what did I see? TWO LINES. Not just one. TWO. At this point I was completely shocked and immediately terrified. I called Mike and told him our news...he couldn't believe what I was saying. I then called the doctor. They got me in that afternoon. When you've miscarried you don't wait awhile to go to the doctor, you go right away to get blood work done. I went and guess what? I was pregnant and the baby was doing ok. We found out we were 9 weeks pregnant. When I miscarried before I only made it to 7 weeks, so already I was given hope. 

On Friday we were schedule to have a sonogram. We got to see our little Gummy Bear! Not only did we hear the heartbeat we saw this precious gift and we even saw it move around. Mike and I were shocked. We had no idea how to react to this news for which we had been hoping. 

We shared the news with our Moms and I called or talked to my sisters. Everyone was shocked and brought to tears. For the last year we had been planning our adoption. For the last year we had quite the struggle of how to go about adopting...it is very expensive. We had gone though classes, counseling, major budgeting brainstorming, and so much time spent in prayer. 

We had another appointment to see our OB. We got to hear the heartbeat, it was a blessing to hear our baby was still doing well!

On Christmas Eve at my Dad's side we announced it to our family. Christmas Eve is a big deal at the Baum house. Santa comes every year to pass out presents. You have to go up and sit on his lap, get your picture taken, and then you get to see what he brought you. This year Santa brought me a book and Mike a gift card. Santa called Mike and I back up, he pulled out the last gift, a baby doll and a pack of diapers. Santa told the family that we were expecting! Most people were confused. Everyone knows we'd been trying to adopt, so most people asked if we had finally heard some news. It was such a unrealistic evening!

On New Years Eve we had a party in OKC that doubled as a going away party for Betty and Trevor. At the party we played a game where we wrote down a New Years Resolution, then Megan read them aloud and we had to guess which one belonged to each person. I wrote "to be the best mom I could be in June 2013." It was a great way to announce to my closest sorority sisters that we had an addition coming. 

For the next month we gradually told some of our closest friends. We got to hear the heartbeat again and everyday we felt more joy of what was happening in our life. God had given us a gift that we can't express how grateful we are to have.

Starting to show...20 weeks!

On Friday, February 1st we had our sonogram to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. 

So, in preparation for our announcement we got a couple things prepared. 

We planned a lunch with my mom, grandma, and sisters. 

For the lunch I made cupcakes, I had to get them done beforehand so I prepared blue and pink filled. 

To announce to the world and social media we did a photo shoot. 

We found outfits to represent a boy and a girl and then returned the one we didn't need. 

Next we had our appointment and found out we are having a girl! Yay! 

I prepared the shoes in a box and cupcakes for our reveal lunch with my

 Grandma, Mom, Sisters, and Niece and Nephew. 

My mom opened the shoes...

And the rest had the cupcakes...

After lunch we went to my sister's studio for our photo shoot. I may be biased, but I think my sister is an amazing photographer. We are so blessed to have her to do awesome things like this for us!

Looking forward to the road ahead!

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Yesterday was my first day subbing, I really enjoyed it! I was in a first grade class, I'm at home in a first grade class. Thinking about it makes me laugh because I did not like my first grade teacher, she was grumpy, at least from my 7 year old perspective. Anyway, after we get home from NY I plan to be subbing a lot, I hope.

Today I go to a funeral for a man that was like my grandpa. He lived next door to me my entire life. When I was a kid I used to go over next door after school and talk with Bob and Delores. At that time my grandparents didn't live next door and we didn't have many kids on the street to play with, so I turned to Bob and Delores. They would ask me about my day and what was new in my life. They let me show them my dance routines I was perfecting. I could always count on them to buy girl scout cookies and the yearly fundraiser at school. They were my family because they loved my family. I always admired them as neighbors and friends. Delores passed some years ago, I could see that change in Bob. It is an unfortunate change that especially older people have when their spouse dies. They know they won't be remarried, that they are somewhat alone because the world is moving so fast around them and they are just trying to make it day to day. I am happy that Bob had his family to keep him company, he loved his Grandchildren very much. He was a wonderful Grandpa. In my last conversation with Bob he made sure that I was still attending church, that I was a great wife for my husband, that I was moving forward  on being a mom, that my sisters were doing well, and that I was taking care of my Mom and Grandma. Wow, he really summed up the important things in life. Bob was a great man and he will be missed.

Tomorrow. We go to New York!

Levi is 3!

Happy 3rd Birthday to my A-W-E-S-O-M-E nephew LEVI RAY, love you!

Let me compare your life to Little House on the Prairie...

Yes, you read that correctly.

Here are two things you must know about me before you read any further.

1. I love the show The Little House on the Prairie.
2. I really am praying for a job, I've applied for a few, I just want to find what the Lord wants me to do.

I don't plan to be a stay at home wife forever, although I do enjoy it. There are those people that say "I could never stay at home, I would just get bored." I am not one of those people. There have been a couple times in my adult life that I've not been employed and I really enjoy it. On the contrary I enjoy being employed. I do want a job, I just don't want the wrong job. I've had roughly 9 different jobs since I graduated college, some for the same company, but in different areas. So anyway I've done different things, I've enjoyed all of them for one reason or another, but I've not found the best thing yet. I know there is a job out there for me that comes next. I'm not going to say it will be a job I do the rest of my life, but I'm not saying it won't be either. We'll see.

OK Back to the title of this post...
Yesterday I compared my sister's life to what happened in yesterday's episode of Little House on the Prairie.  My sister thinks I'm crazy, well she knows I'm crazy, but when I started giving her advice based on the life of Laura Ingalls Wilder she was convinced. It might seem a little out there, but come on the stories are based on  Laura's life so really there is some real life application there. Ok. I'm done trying to convince you that I'm not a coo coo bird. But really, watch it sometime.

P.S. In 16 days we'll be on a plane to New York!!!

New Chapter

Well, today was my last day working for the Butler County Special Education Cooperative. It was a great job, but things change and people change. So, on to better things...I hope. New things for sure. I am not sure what is next, but whatever it is I'm trusting that it will be what I need. I have been seeking the Lord in all of this and I feel a peace about resigning from the co-op. I am excited that whatever I do next will not be what I decide to do, but what I feel like God wants me to do. I've applied for my Substitute Teacher License and hope that will be a good way to find something perfect, but still have some income.

I made each kid a little gift, a cd sleeve with a chocolate chip cookie inside, a pencil with an eraser and an ILY hand with their initial on it. On each ILY hand I wrote the kids notes. They were really excited to see what I wrote to them. It made me remember why I love working with kids! 

I got some beautiful mums from the Lincoln staff. 

I threw in a picture of the kids last year performing "Party in the USA" in sign language for the talent show. And lastly is a picture of the poster Erika had the kids make for me

 (she even made it orange and black although she is a sooner fan).

In other news...

TODAY is my little boy's 6th  BIRTHDAY, yes my little boy is a 100 lb huge black furry DOGGIE!

Poor Bullet thought he was in trouble when I put the birthday hat on him. 

He hunkered down all guilty like, was a sweetie. 

Little Lanie Lou Who started Pre-School this year! What a little lady she is turning into, very mater of fact and what a great big sister. I called her the evening after her first day of school and she told me it was good, but they didn't get to do math, sweet. 

I borrowed this picture from Jac's facebook to show you her first day picture :-) 

Levi. I can't believe he turns 3 this month! He is one of the coolest kids I know. He is daring, sincere, fearless, big hearted, and so much more. In the same phone call with Lane about her first day of school he gets on the phone and tells me "I is naked!!!"

I borrowed this picture as well, it just depicts him so well!

Mike and I attended the first OSU game of the season, it was wonderful! Not a great game per-say, but a great time in a great town. 

It was very hot and sunny, but we didn't care! 

We enjoyed the walk and tailgating with great friends and the Alma Mater after the game. 

I'm looking forward to the first SE game in town tonight, it has been rainy today, but I'm hoping that is over. Tomorrow is the Race for Freedom 5K and our Goddard UE swim party. I will post more pictures of this weekend later!

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Today is my Grandma Donna's birthday, she passed away in 2005. I had the opportunity to speak at her funeral. In honor of her today I am going to share what I read. 

Recently I had the chance to talk to my grandma in a very intimate way, I did an interview for a paper I wrote in April. I asked her all kinds of questions and found out so much about her. One of the things she stressed to me was family. She cared so much for her family. She always wanted to make others as happy as she was. One of the questions I asked her was, whom she most admired. She told me she admired her mother because she was so strong and always the backbone of the family. This hit home with me because I, along with many others, think my grandmother is the backbone of our family. She expressed to me her worries about her family when she passed away. She told me she worried her children would not get along and keep the family strong. Grandma would be happy to know that because we all have a part of her in us our family will stay strong and close nit. She is not only seen through us physically, but also in all she has taught us. Grandma Donna taught all of us that we must look on the bright side of things. She always stressed to me that when you find a bright side in all situations it makes life better and makes you happier. Grandma also instilled in all of us that the way you treat others is an important factor in a satisfying life. Even while she was in the hospital she was always concerned with everyone else. She knew all about the nurses, once while I was visiting she asked me about one of the nurse’s dog. This made me smile because here she is unable to speak and she wants to know about someone’s dog. Another way Grandma always cared for others was the way she would ask all kinds of questions every time she saw you. She would know exactly what was going on in your life and know exactly how to talk to you. She would know when to listen and when to give her opinion. Grandma Donna had so many amazing qualities and I can barely get across how wonderful she was. She was cheerful, sociable, genuine, trustworthy, classy, confident, wise, a giver, a teacher, a singer, and most of all a kisser. I will never forget my Grandma’s kisses. She kissed everyone. She knew how to show love and I will always admire that and strive to be the same. She was a giver because she would give you fifty dollars to spend when she took you shopping, but would pay for everything and make you save the money she gave you. She was classy in the fact that she was always so presentable; she had the best style, the best manners, and the best grammar. She was cheerful and you could see it in the way she presented her home, at Grandma’s you always felt welcome and felt at home. Almost every time I went over to Grandma’s she was in on her bed reading and she would have me come in and lay down with her so we could catch up on all that had happened in my life. She was so colorful and joyful in all she did. She let you know when you were doing something wrong, but she also let you know when you were doing something right. She was a gift giver in many ways. She loved to give you anything, whether it be her lip gloss or nail polish, her extra magazines or books, it could have been all the sweets in the world or something she bought for herself but thinks you need more, but most of all she gave advice and wisdom. She always did things to make others happy, but always made herself happy as well. Grandma Donna was also quite the singer; we will all miss her humming, whistling, and singing. It was always so comforting because you could just feel her happiness. Every time I see my Grandma in my self or anyone else I know it will make me smile because it is what she would have wanted. It’s amazing to me how many times I have already learned something from her or knew what she would have wanted since she has been gone. I love to know that it wont end in a couple days, but that it will go on forever. I know Grandma Donna would want everyone to rejoice in her memory and continue her love and her legacy. 

As I read over this 7 years later I think of my Grandma and how I think of her almost everyday. When I see a red bird, drive by a Big Lots or Tuesday Morning store, when I talk to my Baum side of the family, or when I see her beautiful picture on my bookcase. I know she would be so proud of me and she would remind me of the joy in my life. Love you Grandma!