The Daniel Fast

Whew. Two days down, 19 to go. To some that may seem silly, but to others you understand how hard this really is. Mike and I started our fast on Monday. Monday morning rolled around, I had some Grapenuts with banana and almond milk. Ok, I like Grapenuts anyway so this wasn't a bad start. Lunch came and I had a salad and an apple with peanut butter. This too wasn't so hard because that is what I've been having for the last few weeks (well, before I had string cheese and homemade ranch dressing too). If there is one thing you need to know about me in relation to food is...if I need to eat and don't I'm a hot mess. I regularly have a snack after school, lunch is at 11 so my body doesn't like to wait until 7pm without a snack. Everyday and I mean EVERYDAY I eat a snack at 4ish. Usually these snacks aren't the healthiest. I often have a can of Coke Zero or Dr. Pepper as well. So when 4 rolled around on Monday my body said: Give me caffeine and give me carbs. But my mind had to say: Yum, nuts and dried fruit and water. Now, don't get me wrong, this is a great snack, but just not what my body is used to. Dinner came and went and was not that fulfilling or tastey.

One thing I'm not going to do is lie and say that this fast is easy and that I am sailing along. It is day 3 and this is hard. I've had a caffeine headache since Monday night. I've realized that I'm a healthy eater from 7am-4pm. But after 4 o'clock I don't pay much attention to what goes in my mouth. Now, let me tell you---I love eggs, cheese, meat, and bread. BUT isn't that the point? Isn't the point to struggle? To NEED the Lord's help? I think so. Do I like it? No. Can I do it? Yes. Only with help though. With the help of my savior and my husband.

I'm going to admit something, yesterday afternoon as I was freaking out because my head hurt and I didn't like anything I am able to eat, I had a song stuck in my head. This song is "Jesus paid much too high a price for us to pick and choose who we take, we are the body of Christ." I often sing songs very loud around the house and change the words to fit what I'm doing. Here is what came out...Jesus paid much too high a price for me to b*tch and moan about what to eat. Now, do worships have cuss words in them? No, but does Jesus want us to be real with Him? YES. So I don't care if you want to judge, I can cuss when I talk to the Lord. Now, the point was not to tell you that I cuss with the Lord, the point was to say...He paid WAY TOO high of a price for me to sweat the small stuff. I forget that so easily in life, during the fast, at work, in relationships, at church, all the time!

So, here I am day 3, wishing I wouldn't have committed to this fast. BUT I did commit and I will do it maybe!

It has been awhile...

So, here I am. I've been away for awhile...for a couple reasons. One, I've been very busy. Two, I've been stuck in a funk and have nothing to say that isn't really depressing. Three, I forget.

Here I am to tell you about some changes in my life.

1. I've started reading Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore. This book was recommended to me by a new dear friend, Leah. I met Leah through her brother, who is a good friend of ours. No surprise that Bryan is great and Leah is great too! Anyway, the first chapter is Adoption, Jesus and You: Why you should read this book, especially if you don't want to. I didn't start reading this book a month ago when I got it. Honestly I am scared. I am scared of it all. Adoption, having kids, etc. When you're scared it doesn't mean you don't want it and in this case I'm so scared because I do want it so bad. I've just started reading it, but it has already rocked my heart. Thank you Jesus for loving me so much!

2. I'm back at bible study on Tuesday nights at Pathway Church. We are doing the Beth Moore study on James. We've only done week one and once again it is already rocking my heart. What is family? Beth Moore gave insight on the idea that family is more than blood, but our family in Christ. I know I have way more to learn and I'm ready!

3. We've joined a new Home Team. Ok, so Pathway has small groups within the church called Home Teams. We were in a great HT, but with the campus launch it changed somewhat. At the time of the change Mike was reallly busy with coaching so I joined a Tuesday Bible Study and he took a break. Well, after searching, the Lord lead us to a new group. We've only met one week and already I feel like the Lord was leading us to wait to find a group like this. There is something about being around other Christians for support and friendship. One thing Mike and I don't really have here in Wichita is a lot of friends as a couple. I love the feeling of walking into a group and already feeling like we fit and that we aren't the new kids in class.

4. I've been meeting with the Pathway Church Goddard Campus Elementary Director, Laura, over the last couple months. Nothing much, just to get to know each other better. It has been really nice to meet another young woman that I can speak with every couple weeks and just be honest and real. Most of you know me well enough to know that I am SO relational and I thrive on personal relationships.

5. Today I've come to one conclusion. I don't love my job, but I don't dislike it. Make sense? I can't imagine doing anything else at this point in my life. When I was a kid, heck 3 years ago, if you would have told me I'd be in Augusta as a Sign Language Interpreter I would have told you that you were crazy! That might just be the coolest thing about my job...it isn't like anyone else. I've never been much like everyone else as is. The second coolest thing about my job...I have a handful of students that think I might just be the coolest thing since sliced bread. You know what I love about kids? They love you. You can discipline them, high five them, tease them, teach them, and much more and they genuinely love you. Do they all love me? No. Even like me? Probably not, BUT the ones who do love me...make my day. I get to be with them. I get paid to hang out with them. A few of these first graders have stole my heart. Ok, so maybe I do love my job.

6. Mike and I are starting the Daniel Fast on Monday. It goes for 21 days. We are not starting it March 1st like many of our friends because we are taking a little trip down to OKC in a few weeks and instead of cheating we're just going to finish before then. I'm excited to feel the challenge of the fast and turn to the Lord when I'm struggling.

7. I am still stuck in my pit (refer to my last post). BUT, I am keeping busy until the Lord pulls me out. I feel like each little thing happening in my life is leading me to greater things. While I don't have my own children I have "step children" in Augusta, Goddard, and through my ornery niece and nephew. Do I still have overwhelming pain in not having my own children? For sure. Here is another fact for you. Depression doesn't mean you sit inside in the dark all day. You can you fight. I fight. I have really hard times and I have really great times. But you know what? I'm fighting. I can't say everyday is a good day. I can't say they're all bad, but I can say I am fighting. Today the fight is a little bit easier (mostly because I am not just taking a dip in the word of our God, but I'm diving in, all in). Tomorrow I may not agree with anything in this post, but at least I can read it and remember this feeling.

I want to go on and on, but don't have time right now. I love my God. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends. I am trying to love me.

Pinterest

I love Pinterest. I knew I would that is why I stayed away so long. I am hooked!

Today while browsing I saw a quote...now on my Pinterest I don't usually repost things like funny pictures or quotes, or what have you. So instead of reposting on Pinterest, I printed it on scrapbook paper and am going to frame it and I'm also posting it on here. It is one of those quotes that when read at certain points in your life it fits so well. I have this happen all the time with music and bible verses, but today it is this quote that made me take a deep breath and say to myself "I needed that." So..with no further ado..
"The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long."
That's it. You all know some of the reasons why this is so important in my life right now and I can't even begin to explain all of the reasons why. Some things I've been struggling with for 15 years, a few years, and even a few weeks.

I love to be crafty, bake, cook, and organize. Oh, Pinterest you make my heart happy.

Facing the Storm

I really don't intend to bum y'all out every time I post, but this blog is for me to be me. If you know me, you know that I like to talk through the rough times. It helps me so much to be able to let out the things that are on my heart.

First let me tell you how the Lord is working in me. Our first service at Goddard went well. The day before I hurt my foot, so I was on crutches that morning, but that was really the biggest hiccup. I really see great things happening with Pathway Church (Westlink and Goddard Campus). I am really excited about this new adventure. It's like a fight for me. I am fighting how great it really is because this is the road the Lord has chosen for me. It is an amazing road, but not the road I would have picked. You see there is this pull on the heart when you are involved in great things, but are hoping for other great things. I don't want anyone to think I'm unhappy. I would say depression doesn't always mean you are unhappy. I am very happy being involved in my church. It makes my heart happy. I don't do it because it is "what a good Christian should do," I do it because I love my Lord and I love His people.

So that fight...my life is good, I have an AMAZING husband, a wonderful supportive family, a cool job with great co-workers, an awesome Church family, a home, a car, and I can pay my bills (barely, but I can), I eat every meal and more sometimes, I have a cell phone, computer, Internet, a printer/scanner, a camera, lots of cool things for my kitchen, great talents in cooking, baking, and crafting. I am happy, but also human.

My heart aches for the thing I don't have. Yes I'd love to own a home, have a new car, go on amazing vacations, but those things are superficial. I can get over those. My heart aches for children. I really struggle with looking at what others have that I don't have.  I just can't understand why I have to wait. It may never happen to me, that is a reality. I once was pregnant. My heart can't seem to deal with the fact that in January 2012 I should be having a one year birthday party for my sweet baby. I believe there is a process of grief, but it doesn't mean the pain ever goes away. My Grandma lost a baby over 60 years ago and she is still grieving. She has showed me that it is ok to grieve forever and she is a blessing to have as an example.

We have started the process of adopting. We haven't figured out which avenue we will use, there are so many options. We have a lot to think about and pray about in the process. Hopefully I will have wonderful things to say about that as we go. It may be hard I know that, but the ultimate goal in the end is to have a baby and that makes it worth it.

Today I am leaving you with an excerpt from a devotional app called Girlfriends in God, it is talking about depression and accepting your "pit."

To wait means to accept the pit.
Picture yourself falling into a slimy pit. Your first reaction, like mine, would probably be to frantically claw and struggle, fighting your way out! When you have used up every ounce of energy, you stop struggling and sit down to rest, waiting for help because that is all you can do. You have no other options. When hard times come, we immediately begin to beg and bargain for rescue - for a way of escape. God loves us too much to waste our pain. It is a shallow love that always rescues easily. It is a depthless love that always rescues quickly. Sometimes our Father says wait. So be patient, accept your pit, and know that He is at work.

Darkness

I know the Lord is with me. I know the Lord loves me. I know He does nothing to hurt me.

I am feeling lonely. I am feeling unlovable. I am feeling hurt.

I'm in a really dark spot the last few days/weeks/years (who really knows). It is not consistent for more than a few days usually, but it reoccurs more than it seems I can handle. Most of you know that I love my Lord and I love His church. For this last week or so I don't want to go to church, I don't want to be apart of the Goddard launch, I don't want to lead Upper Elementary, I don't want to be apart of camp, I definitely don't want to go to anything where there are believers praising the Lord. In the deepest part of my soul I'm longing to be apart of the body, but on the top layers I'm just done.

I don't want pity. I don't want encouragement. I don't want this sorrow anymore.

I want to feel loved by my King. I want to simply want to. I want to give Him everything.

I am not blogging to make everyone depressed along with me, I just have to get it off my chest. I want to leave you with these words from one of my most favorite songs. I need to hear it. You need to hear it.

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises 
One day when sin was as black as could be 
Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin 
Dwelt among men, my example is He 
Word became flesh and the light shined among us 
His glory revealed 

Living, He loved me 
Dying, He saved me 
Buried, He carried my sins far away 
Rising, He justified freely forever 
One day He’s coming 
Oh glorious day, oh glorious day 

One day they led Him up Calvary’s mountain 
One day they nailed Him to die on a tree 
Suffering anguish, despised and rejected 
Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He 
Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree 
And took the nails for me 

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer 
One day the stone rolled away from the door 
Then He arose, over death He had conquered 
Now He’s ascended, my Lord evermore 
Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him 
From rising again 

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming 
One day the skies with His glories will shine 
Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing 
My Savior, Jesus, is mine 

Oh, glorious day 

A Carrie Heffernan Moment

So, today I pulled a Carrie Heffernan. My sister-in-law Brittany likes to joke about Mike and I being Doug and Carrie...well she isn't too far off. Have you seen the episode where Carrie orders her food at an Italian Restaurant and it comes with capers? She insists that she ordered it without them, saying that they got it wrong. Well, the waiter says to her that they will fix her order...she gets upsets thinking they don't need to fix it they need to make it correctly---big difference to her.
Well...I had the morning off so I went to Taco Shop on my way to work to get some lunch. I ordered 2 flour tacos with no sauce and a bean burrito mild. I've ordered this same order at Taco shop for the last 15 years, so I'm positive I ordered it correctly. She gave me the total it was $2.85ish...well considering the fact that I've been there let's guess at least 150 times I knew this wasn't right. I tried to correct her but I couldn't get her to respond. So I drive forward, instantly say, "Did you hear Flour tacos?" She says "Oh sorry let me fix that." At this point I'm ok, no freaking out. Then as the window is closing I hear her say to the people making the food, "She wants change it to Flour instead." Most people would brush this off, but the Carrie in me thinks...no no no, I did not want to change my order I wanted you to make it the way I asked. Now mind you I thought this, I said nothing...I paid, got my food, said thank you with a smile and drove on my way. Fortunately unlike Carrie I can filter (sometimes), but the only way for me to really get over it is to tell the story 47 times and make sure everyone knows that I was not at fault in this story. This time I will not do that. I will tell the story once on here...not to prove that it wasn't my mistake (bc maybe it was, maybe I wasn't clear when ordering, who cares anyway) but to let you laugh with me about my Carrie Heffernan moments :-)

Woven with Jen Hatmaker

The church formally known as Westlink Christian Church...well the name hasn't changed yet, but it is soon to come...puts on a women's gathering each month with different speakers for the women of the church, their guests, and other churches. This month Jen Hatmaker was the guest speaker, she is awesome!
I didn't really know much about her before going to hear her speak. At first glance I felt a little intemidated because she is really beautiful. As much as I try not to I always first judge someone on how they look. I guess because I'm insecure about myself, I look at those things in other (mostly) women. My first insecurity...my hair. It is one of those things that people don't talk about, me included. I have incredibly thin hair. So thin that it makes other people uncomfortable sometimes. I have no idea why I have such thin hair and it sucks! It sucks that it is just getting thinner. Anyway, Jen has an awesome head full of long dark beautiful curly hair, the kind of curly that isn't out of control. Not only does she have beautiful hair, but she is all around beautiful. She is thin, had a cute outfit and could "just pull it off." So first thought: she is beautiful, second thought: maybe she won't be very good...how rude! I know, rude. Why, because she is beautiful, I wanted her to fail? I hate that thought! That stupid Satan just plants thoughts in your mind that you don't even want to think! And you know what? God answered back to Satan because Jen was wonderful. She is funny, witty, sarcastic, and passionate. By the end I had laughed, I had cried, and although Jen is physically beautifully by the end of her speech I really could care less about how she looked. I was so wrapped up in what she was saying. I was so impressed by her spiritual beauty. She was raw and real. Something I love, I am so impressed when people can be real, I feel blessed by the ability to do so myself.
Ok so what did she have to say? Well, what I came home with was we are not "poor" no matter what I think, I've heard it before, but this time it stuck. We have two running cars, a roof over our head, and I never worry about being able to eat. Second, she spoke about as Christ Followers are we actually following Christ? Are we only reaching out to those who already know Christ? Yes, everyone needs to be reached, but are we too comfortable in just staying in our little church bubble? Jen didn't claim to have it all figured out, she didn't speak like she had all of the answers, but she spoke from her heart. She told about her life and how th Lord worked through her family. Third, she spoke about adoption. I'm not 100%, but I think she said if 1 of 7 Christians families adopted there wouldn't be any orphans. What a thought. As everyone knows Mike and I have been trying to have a baby for a couple years now. Of course adoption has been in our thoughts. Jen really made me think! So hats off to Jen because she is beautiful, a great speaker, and she has stepped out in her faith, something that is really hard for a lot of people to do.