Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Daniel Fast

Whew. Two days down, 19 to go. To some that may seem silly, but to others you understand how hard this really is. Mike and I started our fast on Monday. Monday morning rolled around, I had some Grapenuts with banana and almond milk. Ok, I like Grapenuts anyway so this wasn't a bad start. Lunch came and I had a salad and an apple with peanut butter. This too wasn't so hard because that is what I've been having for the last few weeks (well, before I had string cheese and homemade ranch dressing too). If there is one thing you need to know about me in relation to food is...if I need to eat and don't I'm a hot mess. I regularly have a snack after school, lunch is at 11 so my body doesn't like to wait until 7pm without a snack. Everyday and I mean EVERYDAY I eat a snack at 4ish. Usually these snacks aren't the healthiest. I often have a can of Coke Zero or Dr. Pepper as well. So when 4 rolled around on Monday my body said: Give me caffeine and give me carbs. But my mind had to say: Yum, nuts and dried fruit and water. Now, don't get me wrong, this is a great snack, but just not what my body is used to. Dinner came and went and was not that fulfilling or tastey.

One thing I'm not going to do is lie and say that this fast is easy and that I am sailing along. It is day 3 and this is hard. I've had a caffeine headache since Monday night. I've realized that I'm a healthy eater from 7am-4pm. But after 4 o'clock I don't pay much attention to what goes in my mouth. Now, let me tell you---I love eggs, cheese, meat, and bread. BUT isn't that the point? Isn't the point to struggle? To NEED the Lord's help? I think so. Do I like it? No. Can I do it? Yes. Only with help though. With the help of my savior and my husband.

I'm going to admit something, yesterday afternoon as I was freaking out because my head hurt and I didn't like anything I am able to eat, I had a song stuck in my head. This song is "Jesus paid much too high a price for us to pick and choose who we take, we are the body of Christ." I often sing songs very loud around the house and change the words to fit what I'm doing. Here is what came out...Jesus paid much too high a price for me to b*tch and moan about what to eat. Now, do worships have cuss words in them? No, but does Jesus want us to be real with Him? YES. So I don't care if you want to judge, I can cuss when I talk to the Lord. Now, the point was not to tell you that I cuss with the Lord, the point was to say...He paid WAY TOO high of a price for me to sweat the small stuff. I forget that so easily in life, during the fast, at work, in relationships, at church, all the time!

So, here I am day 3, wishing I wouldn't have committed to this fast. BUT I did commit and I will do it maybe!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It has been awhile...

So, here I am. I've been away for awhile...for a couple reasons. One, I've been very busy. Two, I've been stuck in a funk and have nothing to say that isn't really depressing. Three, I forget.

Here I am to tell you about some changes in my life.

1. I've started reading Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore. This book was recommended to me by a new dear friend, Leah. I met Leah through her brother, who is a good friend of ours. No surprise that Bryan is great and Leah is great too! Anyway, the first chapter is Adoption, Jesus and You: Why you should read this book, especially if you don't want to. I didn't start reading this book a month ago when I got it. Honestly I am scared. I am scared of it all. Adoption, having kids, etc. When you're scared it doesn't mean you don't want it and in this case I'm so scared because I do want it so bad. I've just started reading it, but it has already rocked my heart. Thank you Jesus for loving me so much!

2. I'm back at bible study on Tuesday nights at Pathway Church. We are doing the Beth Moore study on James. We've only done week one and once again it is already rocking my heart. What is family? Beth Moore gave insight on the idea that family is more than blood, but our family in Christ. I know I have way more to learn and I'm ready!

3. We've joined a new Home Team. Ok, so Pathway has small groups within the church called Home Teams. We were in a great HT, but with the campus launch it changed somewhat. At the time of the change Mike was reallly busy with coaching so I joined a Tuesday Bible Study and he took a break. Well, after searching, the Lord lead us to a new group. We've only met one week and already I feel like the Lord was leading us to wait to find a group like this. There is something about being around other Christians for support and friendship. One thing Mike and I don't really have here in Wichita is a lot of friends as a couple. I love the feeling of walking into a group and already feeling like we fit and that we aren't the new kids in class.

4. I've been meeting with the Pathway Church Goddard Campus Elementary Director, Laura, over the last couple months. Nothing much, just to get to know each other better. It has been really nice to meet another young woman that I can speak with every couple weeks and just be honest and real. Most of you know me well enough to know that I am SO relational and I thrive on personal relationships.

5. Today I've come to one conclusion. I don't love my job, but I don't dislike it. Make sense? I can't imagine doing anything else at this point in my life. When I was a kid, heck 3 years ago, if you would have told me I'd be in Augusta as a Sign Language Interpreter I would have told you that you were crazy! That might just be the coolest thing about my isn't like anyone else. I've never been much like everyone else as is. The second coolest thing about my job...I have a handful of students that think I might just be the coolest thing since sliced bread. You know what I love about kids? They love you. You can discipline them, high five them, tease them, teach them, and much more and they genuinely love you. Do they all love me? No. Even like me? Probably not, BUT the ones who do love me...make my day. I get to be with them. I get paid to hang out with them. A few of these first graders have stole my heart. Ok, so maybe I do love my job.

6. Mike and I are starting the Daniel Fast on Monday. It goes for 21 days. We are not starting it March 1st like many of our friends because we are taking a little trip down to OKC in a few weeks and instead of cheating we're just going to finish before then. I'm excited to feel the challenge of the fast and turn to the Lord when I'm struggling.

7. I am still stuck in my pit (refer to my last post). BUT, I am keeping busy until the Lord pulls me out. I feel like each little thing happening in my life is leading me to greater things. While I don't have my own children I have "step children" in Augusta, Goddard, and through my ornery niece and nephew. Do I still have overwhelming pain in not having my own children? For sure. Here is another fact for you. Depression doesn't mean you sit inside in the dark all day. You can you fight. I fight. I have really hard times and I have really great times. But you know what? I'm fighting. I can't say everyday is a good day. I can't say they're all bad, but I can say I am fighting. Today the fight is a little bit easier (mostly because I am not just taking a dip in the word of our God, but I'm diving in, all in). Tomorrow I may not agree with anything in this post, but at least I can read it and remember this feeling.

I want to go on and on, but don't have time right now. I love my God. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends. I am trying to love me.