Yesterday, today, and tomorrow

Yesterday was my first day subbing, I really enjoyed it! I was in a first grade class, I'm at home in a first grade class. Thinking about it makes me laugh because I did not like my first grade teacher, she was grumpy, at least from my 7 year old perspective. Anyway, after we get home from NY I plan to be subbing a lot, I hope.

Today I go to a funeral for a man that was like my grandpa. He lived next door to me my entire life. When I was a kid I used to go over next door after school and talk with Bob and Delores. At that time my grandparents didn't live next door and we didn't have many kids on the street to play with, so I turned to Bob and Delores. They would ask me about my day and what was new in my life. They let me show them my dance routines I was perfecting. I could always count on them to buy girl scout cookies and the yearly fundraiser at school. They were my family because they loved my family. I always admired them as neighbors and friends. Delores passed some years ago, I could see that change in Bob. It is an unfortunate change that especially older people have when their spouse dies. They know they won't be remarried, that they are somewhat alone because the world is moving so fast around them and they are just trying to make it day to day. I am happy that Bob had his family to keep him company, he loved his Grandchildren very much. He was a wonderful Grandpa. In my last conversation with Bob he made sure that I was still attending church, that I was a great wife for my husband, that I was moving forward  on being a mom, that my sisters were doing well, and that I was taking care of my Mom and Grandma. Wow, he really summed up the important things in life. Bob was a great man and he will be missed.

Tomorrow. We go to New York!

Levi is 3!

Happy 3rd Birthday to my A-W-E-S-O-M-E nephew LEVI RAY, love you!

Let me compare your life to Little House on the Prairie...

Yes, you read that correctly.

Here are two things you must know about me before you read any further.

1. I love the show The Little House on the Prairie.
2. I really am praying for a job, I've applied for a few, I just want to find what the Lord wants me to do.

I don't plan to be a stay at home wife forever, although I do enjoy it. There are those people that say "I could never stay at home, I would just get bored." I am not one of those people. There have been a couple times in my adult life that I've not been employed and I really enjoy it. On the contrary I enjoy being employed. I do want a job, I just don't want the wrong job. I've had roughly 9 different jobs since I graduated college, some for the same company, but in different areas. So anyway I've done different things, I've enjoyed all of them for one reason or another, but I've not found the best thing yet. I know there is a job out there for me that comes next. I'm not going to say it will be a job I do the rest of my life, but I'm not saying it won't be either. We'll see.

OK Back to the title of this post...
Yesterday I compared my sister's life to what happened in yesterday's episode of Little House on the Prairie.  My sister thinks I'm crazy, well she knows I'm crazy, but when I started giving her advice based on the life of Laura Ingalls Wilder she was convinced. It might seem a little out there, but come on the stories are based on  Laura's life so really there is some real life application there. Ok. I'm done trying to convince you that I'm not a coo coo bird. But really, watch it sometime.

P.S. In 16 days we'll be on a plane to New York!!!

New Chapter

Well, today was my last day working for the Butler County Special Education Cooperative. It was a great job, but things change and people change. So, on to better things...I hope. New things for sure. I am not sure what is next, but whatever it is I'm trusting that it will be what I need. I have been seeking the Lord in all of this and I feel a peace about resigning from the co-op. I am excited that whatever I do next will not be what I decide to do, but what I feel like God wants me to do. I've applied for my Substitute Teacher License and hope that will be a good way to find something perfect, but still have some income.

I made each kid a little gift, a cd sleeve with a chocolate chip cookie inside, a pencil with an eraser and an ILY hand with their initial on it. On each ILY hand I wrote the kids notes. They were really excited to see what I wrote to them. It made me remember why I love working with kids! 

I got some beautiful mums from the Lincoln staff. 

I threw in a picture of the kids last year performing "Party in the USA" in sign language for the talent show. And lastly is a picture of the poster Erika had the kids make for me

 (she even made it orange and black although she is a sooner fan).

In other news...

TODAY is my little boy's 6th  BIRTHDAY, yes my little boy is a 100 lb huge black furry DOGGIE!

Poor Bullet thought he was in trouble when I put the birthday hat on him. 

He hunkered down all guilty like, was a sweetie. 

Little Lanie Lou Who started Pre-School this year! What a little lady she is turning into, very mater of fact and what a great big sister. I called her the evening after her first day of school and she told me it was good, but they didn't get to do math, sweet. 

I borrowed this picture from Jac's facebook to show you her first day picture :-) 

Levi. I can't believe he turns 3 this month! He is one of the coolest kids I know. He is daring, sincere, fearless, big hearted, and so much more. In the same phone call with Lane about her first day of school he gets on the phone and tells me "I is naked!!!"

I borrowed this picture as well, it just depicts him so well!

Mike and I attended the first OSU game of the season, it was wonderful! Not a great game per-say, but a great time in a great town. 

It was very hot and sunny, but we didn't care! 

We enjoyed the walk and tailgating with great friends and the Alma Mater after the game. 

I'm looking forward to the first SE game in town tonight, it has been rainy today, but I'm hoping that is over. Tomorrow is the Race for Freedom 5K and our Goddard UE swim party. I will post more pictures of this weekend later!

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Today is my Grandma Donna's birthday, she passed away in 2005. I had the opportunity to speak at her funeral. In honor of her today I am going to share what I read. 

Recently I had the chance to talk to my grandma in a very intimate way, I did an interview for a paper I wrote in April. I asked her all kinds of questions and found out so much about her. One of the things she stressed to me was family. She cared so much for her family. She always wanted to make others as happy as she was. One of the questions I asked her was, whom she most admired. She told me she admired her mother because she was so strong and always the backbone of the family. This hit home with me because I, along with many others, think my grandmother is the backbone of our family. She expressed to me her worries about her family when she passed away. She told me she worried her children would not get along and keep the family strong. Grandma would be happy to know that because we all have a part of her in us our family will stay strong and close nit. She is not only seen through us physically, but also in all she has taught us. Grandma Donna taught all of us that we must look on the bright side of things. She always stressed to me that when you find a bright side in all situations it makes life better and makes you happier. Grandma also instilled in all of us that the way you treat others is an important factor in a satisfying life. Even while she was in the hospital she was always concerned with everyone else. She knew all about the nurses, once while I was visiting she asked me about one of the nurse’s dog. This made me smile because here she is unable to speak and she wants to know about someone’s dog. Another way Grandma always cared for others was the way she would ask all kinds of questions every time she saw you. She would know exactly what was going on in your life and know exactly how to talk to you. She would know when to listen and when to give her opinion. Grandma Donna had so many amazing qualities and I can barely get across how wonderful she was. She was cheerful, sociable, genuine, trustworthy, classy, confident, wise, a giver, a teacher, a singer, and most of all a kisser. I will never forget my Grandma’s kisses. She kissed everyone. She knew how to show love and I will always admire that and strive to be the same. She was a giver because she would give you fifty dollars to spend when she took you shopping, but would pay for everything and make you save the money she gave you. She was classy in the fact that she was always so presentable; she had the best style, the best manners, and the best grammar. She was cheerful and you could see it in the way she presented her home, at Grandma’s you always felt welcome and felt at home. Almost every time I went over to Grandma’s she was in on her bed reading and she would have me come in and lay down with her so we could catch up on all that had happened in my life. She was so colorful and joyful in all she did. She let you know when you were doing something wrong, but she also let you know when you were doing something right. She was a gift giver in many ways. She loved to give you anything, whether it be her lip gloss or nail polish, her extra magazines or books, it could have been all the sweets in the world or something she bought for herself but thinks you need more, but most of all she gave advice and wisdom. She always did things to make others happy, but always made herself happy as well. Grandma Donna was also quite the singer; we will all miss her humming, whistling, and singing. It was always so comforting because you could just feel her happiness. Every time I see my Grandma in my self or anyone else I know it will make me smile because it is what she would have wanted. It’s amazing to me how many times I have already learned something from her or knew what she would have wanted since she has been gone. I love to know that it wont end in a couple days, but that it will go on forever. I know Grandma Donna would want everyone to rejoice in her memory and continue her love and her legacy. 

As I read over this 7 years later I think of my Grandma and how I think of her almost everyday. When I see a red bird, drive by a Big Lots or Tuesday Morning store, when I talk to my Baum side of the family, or when I see her beautiful picture on my bookcase. I know she would be so proud of me and she would remind me of the joy in my life. Love you Grandma!

Two Days off

A couple months ago, Mike and I decided to go to St. Louis for vacation. Mike likes the Cardinals, so we were going to go to a game. Not too much later we found out our friend Blake got a job coaching at Army. It wasn't too hard of a decision to make to not go to St. Louis and save our money for a trip to New York. I had already asked off work for yesterday and today, so because of a busy last two weeks playing Director, I decided to take the days off and be home.

Yesterday I had a lot of work to do to prepare for Upper Elementary camp so I spent the whole morning working on that, Mike and I went swimming at Mom's, and then I had two meetings. Day off? Yeah, I guess.

Today I ran a few errands and worked on a couple Pinterest projects.

Brownie in a Mug
I have been wanting to show a friend how much she means to me, so today I made her a little gift. For you pinners, have you seen the "Brownie in a Mug" or the "Chocolate Chip Cookie and a Cup?" Well, I thought this would be perfect for my friend at her job. If she had what she needed she could in just a few minutes whip up a brownie. I also recently saw a pin for writing on a mug with a sharpie, baking it in the oven, and then the writing doesn't come off. So, I decided these two things would be great together. I got a mug for $1 at the Dollar Tree, wrote on it "There is nothing better than a good friend, except a good friend with chocolate." Then I realized I hadn't tried this brownie to see if it even tasted good, so I whipped one up and I was pleasantly surprised that it was yummy. The next step was to mix the ingredients, the dry ingredients into a ziploc baggie and the water and oil into a small plastic container. I got a spoon and a dish towel. I put the ziploc, the recipe, a spoon, and the plastic container inside the mug, wrapped it in the dish towel and wah-la! I know she will love it!

Jersey knit headband
I found a pin that was a homemade headband out of t-shirt material. Wouldn't ya know I just happen to have a few yards of orange jersey knit just calling my name to be something wonderful! It uses a 5 strand braid/weave technique. First you sew the ends of the 5 strips to start braiding. I followed the directions---good thing for pictures because I am not so good at following directions without them. When you're done braiding you sew the other end and then sew a piece of material around them and together. It turned out wonderful and I even wore it tonight when I took a trip to Walmart.

Tonight I am doing my first couple loads of laundry in our basement. We recently received a washer from a high school classmate, what a blessing! We had a dryer waiting for us, but we had to change out the plug in cord (Mike did a great job). Mike has done laundry, but tonight is the first time for me. Kinda fun, I'm sure the fun will end when the dryer buzzes and it is time to fold.

We have decided not to buy a house yet. We hadn't found the perfect thing for us so we decided to stay in our rental home. We really like our landlord and the neighborhood, so here we stay for awhile. Because we are staying we are turning our extra bedroom into a craft room/office. The extra bed will go downstairs in that bedroom...YOU can still come visit, don't worry. Surely if we spend a lot of work changing the to be nursery into something else a baby will come!

Speaking of baby, we are still waiting! God is good. We know He is faithful. He is not working on my time, it is His and that is how it is supposed to be. BUT don't let these words fool you, I am struggling. Yes I am struggling. A. Lot. I am so thankful to have the Lord on my side because I'm struggling, but I'm succeeding. Not as a mother yet, but as a child of God. I'm trying to be a light for Him. As I struggle I will continue to shine. I will not believe Satan's lie-I know my God is for me not against me!

Thanks for reading! I know it has been awhile.

Woah! Where did April go???

House update: We put an offer in on a house. It is a short sale so that ironically means it takes way longer. So, for the last 4 weeks we've just been waiting. And we'll continue to wait. We love this house and really want it to work out! We've continued looking and haven't found anything else we like nearly as much. When we saw the house my first thought was, "I want to invite people over to this house." When we went in I immediately pictured a birthday party at this house and I also made sure we could fit our 12 other Home Team members in the living room, that is a sign right? ;-) So, say a little prayer that if this is the house that everything will work out in our favor.

Summer Job update: Mike got a job working Extended School Year, which means he'll work at Southeast for the month of June teaching Biology. It is a half day 4 days a week, exactly what he needs. I got a job at the church working Summer League, a summer day camp for school aged kiddos. I get to work with some great people and at an amazing place. I am blessed.

Adoption/Baby update: Not going as planned...you would think I would have stopped planning 2 years ago! We are close to finishing our MAPP class (through Youthville to foster/adopt). After the class they have suggested we take a few more steps before we get to do our Home Study. An additional 6 months is not exactly what we had planned. We don't really know where to go with all of this. We are really praying for direction in what the Lord has planned for us, we feel like there are so many decisions we have to make and we just pray we are really hearing the Lord's voice in what we should do. We are still open to many avenues of adoption...IF YOU KNOW OF ANYONE LOOKING FOR ADOPTION FOR THEIR BABY PLEASE KEEP US IN MIND!

Other news: I've been able to see my best friends more in the last couple months than all year. I have 3 wonderful friends getting married in the next 2 months...in Oklahoma...so that means we get to go to OK a lot :-) Summer Camp is being planned as we speak and I'm really excited for an awesome camp this year. The Goddard Campus of Pathway is going well and Mike and I really enjoying being a part of it (I've missed the last couple weeks and can't wait to get back next week)! With all the craziness, I'm really looking forward to the summer!

The Daniel Fast

Almost a month ago we started a fast. The Daniel Fast was presented to us and we decided to jump in head first. Mike and I really like to be challenged. We knew this would be tough and that was one of the main reasons we wanted to do it. The first week was definitely the hardest. I was addicted to caffeine, now I didn't have it in abundance everyday, but it was enough to go through the withdrawl headaches. Those first three days were rough! Not only was I dealing with headaches and hunger, but I was dealing with meal planning and the time it takes. I really had to learn how to plan meals because we couldn't have anything off our normal meal list. We could have different elements, but not any complete meal. We had to be creative. Most of all we had to be open-minded. Along the way I met so many people that said "there is no way I could do that." Let me tell you...if you want to, really want to, you CAN do it. Did I have to eat things I didn't really like? Yeah, sometimes. Did I find new things I could eat? For sure.

So, how are we doing since the fast? Good. The first week after the fast we were out of town a lot and had to eat out. That was tough. We were having the opposite feelings from when we started the fast. The first week of the fast we were craving eating out, the first week back to "normal" we were craving home cooked food. Since we've been off the fast and eating at home, we have been trying to find a happy medium. Still eating rice and stir fry veggies but adding a meat element. Eating some sugar, but not at every meal. My goal has been to eat food from the fast for breakfast and lunch and then other foods incorporated for dinner. I've done alright.

What I've gained from the fast: a more willing trust that God has my back and can help me in anything! I am also interested in reading the label of what I put in my body. I learned how cool Daniel is, as Mike said, "Daniel is straight G(angster)!"

I'm so thankful we challenged ourselves with something that brought us closer to each other, our friends, and the Lord.

House Hunting part II

Already a disappointment. I know a little different than yesterday. I was really pumped about it all, but then I found out the house we really had our sights on has gone off the market. Three houses on our list of 7 were nixed today because of one reason or another. I'm kinda bummed and things haven't even started. I am really trying to seek the Lord in what He wants for us. Please help us by praying for us, where the Lord wants us, and that we can really follow His plan!

House Hunting

Well...we've almost been married for 3 years and we're finally considering the commitment of buying a house. We've looked at one. It was a good start. Good price, good "stats," and the neighborhood was a good one. But, it was kinda outdated, not very clean, and the kitchen was small. One thing I dislike about our rental house right now is there is no cabinet space. If it were my own I would have added some because there is room, but it isn't mine so I've just been dealing with it.

So, when I look at a house my first criteria is kitchen space or the possibility of kitchen space. When Mike is looking at a house he wants his own bathroom/man area and he'd love some land. Mike grew up in the country and is a true country boy. We never really expected to find a house in our budget with land, especially somewhere not too far out from Wichita.

Good news. We found one. We've not looked at it yet, it may be a total flop, but there is possibility! I told my mom and she says it is too far away, BUT I keep telling her it is closer than Oklahoma ;-)

We have plans to look at it and hopefully 7 more houses this Thursday. We are so excited! Updates to come. I also plan to blog about our Daniel Fast as well. Just add that to the To Do list.

Life with a Cheerleader

One of my older sisters has the most natural cheerleader personality of anyone I've ever met. She always has the attitude of cheering people on, encouraging people in whatever they are going through. My sister Jacque is a cheerleader. Now, Jacque was a high school and college cheerleader, but that isn't what I'm talking about in this blog. 

No matter what I'm going through my sister is there to cheer me on. In our adult life I can't remember going through something without Jacque there encouraging me. She isn't one of those people that is always happy and cheery and annoying, but she is encouraging. When we decided to look into adopting, she was the first one to get excited for us and support our decision. As I was telling her about our fast, she jumped on board, but reminded me that it wasn't going to be easy. She isn't one of those people that just goes along with whatever you think is right and want her to agree with though. When we started fertility treatments she was skeptical, along with her concerns she expressed confidence in our decision to go ahead with it. Jacque also reads my blog and I like that. 

My sister is not only encouraging, but she shares her children with me. The BEST gift she could ever give me. She trusts me to love, take care of, play with, and be an example for her children. She allows me to be the best Aunt I can be, I love my sister (and brother-in-law) and my niece and nephew! Thanks J for being an awesome sister, mom, friend, and cheerleader!

The Daniel Fast

Whew. Two days down, 19 to go. To some that may seem silly, but to others you understand how hard this really is. Mike and I started our fast on Monday. Monday morning rolled around, I had some Grapenuts with banana and almond milk. Ok, I like Grapenuts anyway so this wasn't a bad start. Lunch came and I had a salad and an apple with peanut butter. This too wasn't so hard because that is what I've been having for the last few weeks (well, before I had string cheese and homemade ranch dressing too). If there is one thing you need to know about me in relation to food is...if I need to eat and don't I'm a hot mess. I regularly have a snack after school, lunch is at 11 so my body doesn't like to wait until 7pm without a snack. Everyday and I mean EVERYDAY I eat a snack at 4ish. Usually these snacks aren't the healthiest. I often have a can of Coke Zero or Dr. Pepper as well. So when 4 rolled around on Monday my body said: Give me caffeine and give me carbs. But my mind had to say: Yum, nuts and dried fruit and water. Now, don't get me wrong, this is a great snack, but just not what my body is used to. Dinner came and went and was not that fulfilling or tastey.

One thing I'm not going to do is lie and say that this fast is easy and that I am sailing along. It is day 3 and this is hard. I've had a caffeine headache since Monday night. I've realized that I'm a healthy eater from 7am-4pm. But after 4 o'clock I don't pay much attention to what goes in my mouth. Now, let me tell you---I love eggs, cheese, meat, and bread. BUT isn't that the point? Isn't the point to struggle? To NEED the Lord's help? I think so. Do I like it? No. Can I do it? Yes. Only with help though. With the help of my savior and my husband.

I'm going to admit something, yesterday afternoon as I was freaking out because my head hurt and I didn't like anything I am able to eat, I had a song stuck in my head. This song is "Jesus paid much too high a price for us to pick and choose who we take, we are the body of Christ." I often sing songs very loud around the house and change the words to fit what I'm doing. Here is what came out...Jesus paid much too high a price for me to b*tch and moan about what to eat. Now, do worships have cuss words in them? No, but does Jesus want us to be real with Him? YES. So I don't care if you want to judge, I can cuss when I talk to the Lord. Now, the point was not to tell you that I cuss with the Lord, the point was to say...He paid WAY TOO high of a price for me to sweat the small stuff. I forget that so easily in life, during the fast, at work, in relationships, at church, all the time!

So, here I am day 3, wishing I wouldn't have committed to this fast. BUT I did commit and I will do it maybe!

It has been awhile...

So, here I am. I've been away for awhile...for a couple reasons. One, I've been very busy. Two, I've been stuck in a funk and have nothing to say that isn't really depressing. Three, I forget.

Here I am to tell you about some changes in my life.

1. I've started reading Adopted for Life by Russell D. Moore. This book was recommended to me by a new dear friend, Leah. I met Leah through her brother, who is a good friend of ours. No surprise that Bryan is great and Leah is great too! Anyway, the first chapter is Adoption, Jesus and You: Why you should read this book, especially if you don't want to. I didn't start reading this book a month ago when I got it. Honestly I am scared. I am scared of it all. Adoption, having kids, etc. When you're scared it doesn't mean you don't want it and in this case I'm so scared because I do want it so bad. I've just started reading it, but it has already rocked my heart. Thank you Jesus for loving me so much!

2. I'm back at bible study on Tuesday nights at Pathway Church. We are doing the Beth Moore study on James. We've only done week one and once again it is already rocking my heart. What is family? Beth Moore gave insight on the idea that family is more than blood, but our family in Christ. I know I have way more to learn and I'm ready!

3. We've joined a new Home Team. Ok, so Pathway has small groups within the church called Home Teams. We were in a great HT, but with the campus launch it changed somewhat. At the time of the change Mike was reallly busy with coaching so I joined a Tuesday Bible Study and he took a break. Well, after searching, the Lord lead us to a new group. We've only met one week and already I feel like the Lord was leading us to wait to find a group like this. There is something about being around other Christians for support and friendship. One thing Mike and I don't really have here in Wichita is a lot of friends as a couple. I love the feeling of walking into a group and already feeling like we fit and that we aren't the new kids in class.

4. I've been meeting with the Pathway Church Goddard Campus Elementary Director, Laura, over the last couple months. Nothing much, just to get to know each other better. It has been really nice to meet another young woman that I can speak with every couple weeks and just be honest and real. Most of you know me well enough to know that I am SO relational and I thrive on personal relationships.

5. Today I've come to one conclusion. I don't love my job, but I don't dislike it. Make sense? I can't imagine doing anything else at this point in my life. When I was a kid, heck 3 years ago, if you would have told me I'd be in Augusta as a Sign Language Interpreter I would have told you that you were crazy! That might just be the coolest thing about my job...it isn't like anyone else. I've never been much like everyone else as is. The second coolest thing about my job...I have a handful of students that think I might just be the coolest thing since sliced bread. You know what I love about kids? They love you. You can discipline them, high five them, tease them, teach them, and much more and they genuinely love you. Do they all love me? No. Even like me? Probably not, BUT the ones who do love me...make my day. I get to be with them. I get paid to hang out with them. A few of these first graders have stole my heart. Ok, so maybe I do love my job.

6. Mike and I are starting the Daniel Fast on Monday. It goes for 21 days. We are not starting it March 1st like many of our friends because we are taking a little trip down to OKC in a few weeks and instead of cheating we're just going to finish before then. I'm excited to feel the challenge of the fast and turn to the Lord when I'm struggling.

7. I am still stuck in my pit (refer to my last post). BUT, I am keeping busy until the Lord pulls me out. I feel like each little thing happening in my life is leading me to greater things. While I don't have my own children I have "step children" in Augusta, Goddard, and through my ornery niece and nephew. Do I still have overwhelming pain in not having my own children? For sure. Here is another fact for you. Depression doesn't mean you sit inside in the dark all day. You can you fight. I fight. I have really hard times and I have really great times. But you know what? I'm fighting. I can't say everyday is a good day. I can't say they're all bad, but I can say I am fighting. Today the fight is a little bit easier (mostly because I am not just taking a dip in the word of our God, but I'm diving in, all in). Tomorrow I may not agree with anything in this post, but at least I can read it and remember this feeling.

I want to go on and on, but don't have time right now. I love my God. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends. I am trying to love me.

Pinterest

I love Pinterest. I knew I would that is why I stayed away so long. I am hooked!

Today while browsing I saw a quote...now on my Pinterest I don't usually repost things like funny pictures or quotes, or what have you. So instead of reposting on Pinterest, I printed it on scrapbook paper and am going to frame it and I'm also posting it on here. It is one of those quotes that when read at certain points in your life it fits so well. I have this happen all the time with music and bible verses, but today it is this quote that made me take a deep breath and say to myself "I needed that." So..with no further ado..
"The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long."
That's it. You all know some of the reasons why this is so important in my life right now and I can't even begin to explain all of the reasons why. Some things I've been struggling with for 15 years, a few years, and even a few weeks.

I love to be crafty, bake, cook, and organize. Oh, Pinterest you make my heart happy.

Facing the Storm

I really don't intend to bum y'all out every time I post, but this blog is for me to be me. If you know me, you know that I like to talk through the rough times. It helps me so much to be able to let out the things that are on my heart.

First let me tell you how the Lord is working in me. Our first service at Goddard went well. The day before I hurt my foot, so I was on crutches that morning, but that was really the biggest hiccup. I really see great things happening with Pathway Church (Westlink and Goddard Campus). I am really excited about this new adventure. It's like a fight for me. I am fighting how great it really is because this is the road the Lord has chosen for me. It is an amazing road, but not the road I would have picked. You see there is this pull on the heart when you are involved in great things, but are hoping for other great things. I don't want anyone to think I'm unhappy. I would say depression doesn't always mean you are unhappy. I am very happy being involved in my church. It makes my heart happy. I don't do it because it is "what a good Christian should do," I do it because I love my Lord and I love His people.

So that fight...my life is good, I have an AMAZING husband, a wonderful supportive family, a cool job with great co-workers, an awesome Church family, a home, a car, and I can pay my bills (barely, but I can), I eat every meal and more sometimes, I have a cell phone, computer, Internet, a printer/scanner, a camera, lots of cool things for my kitchen, great talents in cooking, baking, and crafting. I am happy, but also human.

My heart aches for the thing I don't have. Yes I'd love to own a home, have a new car, go on amazing vacations, but those things are superficial. I can get over those. My heart aches for children. I really struggle with looking at what others have that I don't have.  I just can't understand why I have to wait. It may never happen to me, that is a reality. I once was pregnant. My heart can't seem to deal with the fact that in January 2012 I should be having a one year birthday party for my sweet baby. I believe there is a process of grief, but it doesn't mean the pain ever goes away. My Grandma lost a baby over 60 years ago and she is still grieving. She has showed me that it is ok to grieve forever and she is a blessing to have as an example.

We have started the process of adopting. We haven't figured out which avenue we will use, there are so many options. We have a lot to think about and pray about in the process. Hopefully I will have wonderful things to say about that as we go. It may be hard I know that, but the ultimate goal in the end is to have a baby and that makes it worth it.

Today I am leaving you with an excerpt from a devotional app called Girlfriends in God, it is talking about depression and accepting your "pit."

To wait means to accept the pit.
Picture yourself falling into a slimy pit. Your first reaction, like mine, would probably be to frantically claw and struggle, fighting your way out! When you have used up every ounce of energy, you stop struggling and sit down to rest, waiting for help because that is all you can do. You have no other options. When hard times come, we immediately begin to beg and bargain for rescue - for a way of escape. God loves us too much to waste our pain. It is a shallow love that always rescues easily. It is a depthless love that always rescues quickly. Sometimes our Father says wait. So be patient, accept your pit, and know that He is at work.