Tuesday, June 7, 2011


More posting to my blog this summer? Yes, please. I love to have more time to think through blogging.

What is 20/20? You may ask.

Drum roll please...that is how much weight Mike and I have lost! We have both lost 20 lbs., it has been since January when we realized we needed to get our act together and get healthy. The hard part was we are decently healthy to start with and figured we wouldn't have much success. BUT I would say 20/20 is a success. Do we still have a lot of work to do? YES. My final goal includes losing 40 more pounds. The best part about losing weight is actually doing it. Haha. I've lost weight before, but I put it back on pretty easy. In the last 5ish years I've been really GREAT at yo-yo dieting. A few pounds off and double back on and so on and so on and so on. I didn't really see 20 lbs. in 5 months as a great thing until I realized although it happened slowly I never put weight back on that I had lost. This time I've kept off every pound and that is very new.

So, you might ask how did we do it? Well...we've watched our eating and we are more active. At the beginning of the year we put all of our food into fitday.com. This showed us how many calories we were taking in and how much activity we were/not getting. This didn't last too long because it is a lot of work, but I very easily learned what I could or could not eat and what combinations worked together. This was a great starting point. Then I started to work out every morning before work. This was good, but a struggle. Not like you think, you would think I had a hard time getting up, nope that was the easy part. The hard part was I was not losing weight (I wasn't gainin either) because I was putting on muscle. Well, since school has been out I've not been working out as much, but I have been eating when I'm hungry. What a concept! During school it was hard because there were specified times during the day that I could or could not eat. Now I have an open book. I learned that you don't have to eat at 8am, noon, and 6pm. It is ok to eat at different times of the day. I've also learned that you don't have to eat a full meal. If you want a sandwich at 11am and then some yogurt at 12:30pm and then something else at 3pm that is ok. There are no rules to eating and meal times, which is something I kept forgetting. I can make my own rules! I love that idea. And lastly, if any of you know my husband you know he is a coach...this doesn't stop after he gets off the field. He is the best encourager and he loves to work out. Everyday he asks me to work out, he knows I don't like being told what to do, so he doesn't pressure me, but he does encourage me.

Next time I blog about losing weight it will not be 20/20...it will be greater! Go Johnson's Go! Hah.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Sharing my heart (caution: personal info and a little bit of sadness ahead)

Ok so to warn you this post is very personal. I have had some qualms about writing it...thinking maybe people wouldn't want to hear about my sadness, but then I got to thinking this is MY blog and if people don't want to read that is their choice. I was also thinking this morning that the title of this blog is Living to be me, is that true if I don't write about what is important to me? So here goes.

There is something in every woman's life that can be hell or can be a blessing. It is called their period. When you're young it is part of becoming a woman. Some people see it as a blessing when they get it, that means they're not pregnant and life can go on as normal. For me when it comes it brings high emotions (and mine are a roller coaster anyway), lots of tears, stress, and pain. Fun right? Hah (enter sarcastic face). In my teen life I was thankful when it came because it didn't come very often, I knew that wasn't normal, so when it came I was thankful. Which brings me to my point that now for the last two years I cry and feel heartbroken every month when I get my period. When you're trying to get pregnant getting your period is the last thing you want. Each month it comes and I start over in feeling discouraged and sad.

A year ago I missed a period and after peeing on a stick I found out I was pregnant. I can't explain the joy in that positive. I felt like a year of waiting was a long time and it was finally my time. A few weeks later I lost my sweet baby in a miscarriage. Now that was an entirely different feeling that once again I can't explain. Being told that it happens to a lot of women did NOT help me get through the pain. When I am grieving it doesn't help me to hear that it happens to other people. Maybe it is selfish, but I don't want to hear other's sorrow, I want to deal with my own in my own way.

A year later here I am praying each month I don't get my period. Each month I take pills on very specific days of my "cycle" (hate that term, but really there is not a better one), I get a sonogram that costs me $150 because insurance doesn't pay to help me have a baby (another subject for another day on how I feel about that),  I inject myself with a medicine that costs $100 for one shot, I pee on a stick for a week to test ovulation, we have scheduled sex (which is the only easy part of the process), and then I wait 2 weeks to find out if we were successful. THEN if I do start my period I still have to take a pregnancy test to be sure it's not a miscarriage. It is expensive, but that isn't the hard part. The obvious hard part is not getting pregnant.

Another struggle is the hormones. If you knew me before all of the medicine, you know I'm emotional anyway and if you know me after the medicine you can see the toll it is taking on me. Before the medicine I would be a mess sometimes, but now even more I cry unexpectedly, I can't control my mood swings, and I go from high to low in .25 seconds. These high doses of medicine screw with my hormones, which in turn correlates with the stress this causes our marriage. We have done really well considering. We've had some really rough patches, but in the end I am thankful that I married the man that I did. Mike is my rock here on earth and the fact that we both believe in God and have a relationship with Jesus is the glue to our relationship with each other.

Another struggle I have in this whole ordeal is comparing myself with other women. It kills me when I hear about women that get to prevent pregnancy until they are ready and then poof they are pregnant soon after starting to try. I feel so jealous, a feeling I hate and am working on, but it seems like I start at square one every time I come across these conversations. Another aspect is when you want to be pregnant and have a baby it seems like everyone else is getting what you want. It is just like when you are single and it seems like everyone you know is getting married.

I am so happy for all of my friends that are being blessed with little ones. I really am. Am I jealous? Yes of course, but I wouldn't want my sorrow to stop anyone else's happiness. In fact I've been watching Ari (my friend's baby) for a week now and it has been amazing. I look forward to my summer with her. I love being able to be the best Aunt possible while I'm waiting to be a mom. I've been so blessed to be able to take care of Lanie and Levi on many occasions in the last 3 and a half years. They help keep joy in my heart when I feel like the pain is overcoming me.

So, I guess it is important for me to let that out because not talking about it is worse for me than talking about it. I don't want anyone to think I am a bitter and depressed by all of this I just want to share my heart openly. I am trying to see God's plan in this and trying so hard to rejoice in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4).

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Writer's Block

I've written quite a few blogs since my last one and none seem worthy to post. I really want to post, say what is on my mind, update the world on my life, but I'm just not feeling it!

Things I've wanted to talk about:
-My sign class
-Watching Lanie and Levi
-New job vs. my past summer jobs
-Mike engulfed in football already
-Weddings we've been to
-Missing friends
-My best friend is engaged!
-Being on summer "break"
-Summer camps
-Fun weekends
-Planning, planning, planning
-Trying to have a baby, the hardships and the joys
-Seeing the Lord work in my life
-Summer Goals
-How I'm doing on past goals

And more...I have so much to say, I just can't get it out on a blog.

Hopefully this writer's block will end soon and I'll be back to myself with no trouble writing.