Sharing my heart (caution: personal info and a little bit of sadness ahead)

Ok so to warn you this post is very personal. I have had some qualms about writing it...thinking maybe people wouldn't want to hear about my sadness, but then I got to thinking this is MY blog and if people don't want to read that is their choice. I was also thinking this morning that the title of this blog is Living to be me, is that true if I don't write about what is important to me? So here goes.

There is something in every woman's life that can be hell or can be a blessing. It is called their period. When you're young it is part of becoming a woman. Some people see it as a blessing when they get it, that means they're not pregnant and life can go on as normal. For me when it comes it brings high emotions (and mine are a roller coaster anyway), lots of tears, stress, and pain. Fun right? Hah (enter sarcastic face). In my teen life I was thankful when it came because it didn't come very often, I knew that wasn't normal, so when it came I was thankful. Which brings me to my point that now for the last two years I cry and feel heartbroken every month when I get my period. When you're trying to get pregnant getting your period is the last thing you want. Each month it comes and I start over in feeling discouraged and sad.

A year ago I missed a period and after peeing on a stick I found out I was pregnant. I can't explain the joy in that positive. I felt like a year of waiting was a long time and it was finally my time. A few weeks later I lost my sweet baby in a miscarriage. Now that was an entirely different feeling that once again I can't explain. Being told that it happens to a lot of women did NOT help me get through the pain. When I am grieving it doesn't help me to hear that it happens to other people. Maybe it is selfish, but I don't want to hear other's sorrow, I want to deal with my own in my own way.

A year later here I am praying each month I don't get my period. Each month I take pills on very specific days of my "cycle" (hate that term, but really there is not a better one), I get a sonogram that costs me $150 because insurance doesn't pay to help me have a baby (another subject for another day on how I feel about that),  I inject myself with a medicine that costs $100 for one shot, I pee on a stick for a week to test ovulation, we have scheduled sex (which is the only easy part of the process), and then I wait 2 weeks to find out if we were successful. THEN if I do start my period I still have to take a pregnancy test to be sure it's not a miscarriage. It is expensive, but that isn't the hard part. The obvious hard part is not getting pregnant.

Another struggle is the hormones. If you knew me before all of the medicine, you know I'm emotional anyway and if you know me after the medicine you can see the toll it is taking on me. Before the medicine I would be a mess sometimes, but now even more I cry unexpectedly, I can't control my mood swings, and I go from high to low in .25 seconds. These high doses of medicine screw with my hormones, which in turn correlates with the stress this causes our marriage. We have done really well considering. We've had some really rough patches, but in the end I am thankful that I married the man that I did. Mike is my rock here on earth and the fact that we both believe in God and have a relationship with Jesus is the glue to our relationship with each other.

Another struggle I have in this whole ordeal is comparing myself with other women. It kills me when I hear about women that get to prevent pregnancy until they are ready and then poof they are pregnant soon after starting to try. I feel so jealous, a feeling I hate and am working on, but it seems like I start at square one every time I come across these conversations. Another aspect is when you want to be pregnant and have a baby it seems like everyone else is getting what you want. It is just like when you are single and it seems like everyone you know is getting married.

I am so happy for all of my friends that are being blessed with little ones. I really am. Am I jealous? Yes of course, but I wouldn't want my sorrow to stop anyone else's happiness. In fact I've been watching Ari (my friend's baby) for a week now and it has been amazing. I look forward to my summer with her. I love being able to be the best Aunt possible while I'm waiting to be a mom. I've been so blessed to be able to take care of Lanie and Levi on many occasions in the last 3 and a half years. They help keep joy in my heart when I feel like the pain is overcoming me.

So, I guess it is important for me to let that out because not talking about it is worse for me than talking about it. I don't want anyone to think I am a bitter and depressed by all of this I just want to share my heart openly. I am trying to see God's plan in this and trying so hard to rejoice in the Lord always (Philippians 4:4).